Five rolls of Paper Towels

Grocery shopping is the bane of my existence. Really. I'd rather go to the dentist. I don't like it unless the firemen are shopping. And lately, to add to my hatred of the weekly event--I've been over-buying. Do you do that? You "think" you need something--only you don't? And when you get home you're faced with a cabinet full? And the item you overbuy changes. Like right now-- It's rolls of paper towels. I now have five rolls in my closet. Five. No un-BP spill could possibly require five rolls. Last time, it was tofu. I had 4 containers of tofu in my fridge. For a while, it was way too many cans of stewed tomatoes. Why is it you don't overbuy the stuff you really run out of--like tampons? Never seem to be buying those over and over?

Maybe if I was a mom--I'd enjoy the act of grocery shopping more. Knowing I'm providing food for my loved ones. It must be a wonderful thing to have a purpose like that. Giving your life for someone everyday, in everything you do, a reason to go grocery shopping. What's your purpose in life? Are you a mother? A father? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What is my purpose? Why was I put on this planet? I struggle with it a little--because I'm not married and I don't have kids. My purpose can NOT be to be a TV producer. Especially during the talk show days. Kinda hard to find a purpose for producing such wonderful, inspiring content as "Dump that Prison Lover" and "I Gave My Sister a Black Eye". (although hopefully somewhere it was helping someone.)

I'm a daughter. But that happened by default. Don't get me wrong--I make it my purpose to try and make my mom happy. But lately--it just feels like I bring them grief with my frustration over my life. (and I suppose, lack of purpose.) Doctors have a reason for being--to help save lives. I think that's why I felt a little more driven when I was volunteering for Heart to Heart--a non-profit that sends medical teams to Russia to save dying children. I didn't do much for them--not like those surgeons--but it felt a little like I was helping.

I'm a good friend? Does that count? Yes, it counts. But it's not something to write on my tombstone. Here lies Lynn--she was a good friend. That's just something I want you all to know, when you're gathered around the casket--I don't want to have to remind you literally from the grave. We all want a reason to be. Right? A reason to be counted. More than a job title. At 48--I'm sad to say, I haven't felt like I've had one. I thought maybe, when I met Mr.PP--my purpose was to make him happy--mend the ickyness he and his kids had to suffer following a painful divorce. But turns out--as you've read--even new stainless steel appliances doesn't add up to a purpose. (Just a reason to clean.)

But something kinda clicked this week. Something that may be showing itself as my purpose in life. And it's nothing new. I just didn't realize how powerful it is. Last week--my young student assistant asked if I'd give her a job recommendation. I was happy to. I spoke honestly to her potential new boss and rattled off her talents over the phone. While I didn't want to lose her--I did want her to move on and find her purpose. She got offered the job the very next day. "I don't know what you said to him" she wrote me. It felt good. Even though she's the one that got the job.

Earlier this week a former co-worker who just started a big new job--called in a panic needing a little reassurance. Her boss wasn't available--so she called me. She knew the answer to her question--she just needed to hear someone--like her old boss (me) tell her. She yelled "That's what I needed to hear!" I smiled. I was so happy to help her. And so glad she called.

And finally, this week, a friend called with some exciting news--she was being considered for a big internship with a major hospital. She asked if she could use my name as a reference. Of course I told her yes! She wouldn't risk this huge opportunity with just anyone, would she? I thought about all these people. Friends. Co-workers. I've helped them or taught them in some way, shape or form. Nothing major--but small, significant contributions. And I began to noodle on it more. Maybe my purpose in life--is to be a mentor? To be a teacher? To be a cheerleader! (there's a reason I kept my uniforms!) I love to help people find jobs. I like to help them succeed at work. I never do it for any reason, really. Just because I like to.

My yoga teacher this weekend talked about how the "world is your teacher. Your life is your teacher. Learn from it." God knows I've been a diligent student the past couple years. Trying to take the hard knocks--and learn from them. Teachers and mentors are everywhere. You don't have to have a degree or be a parent to own that as your purpose. I think I just naturally love to guide people. So why is it so darn hard to guide myself? One of those aforementioned co-workers recently told me something along the lines of "you need to take your own advice." And she's right. But I've always known I'm a better cheerleader for everyone else--just not myself. So who is my cheerleader? And do I need one?

Years ago, I was producing a show for MSNBC. I remember the day our new production assistant Anita started. She got assigned the desk by mine. She was just out of college and REALLY excited to be working in television. I thought--maybe a little TOO excited. I told other co-workers..."if she doesn't stop talking about Melrose Place, I'm going to kill myself." She stopped. And proved herself to be one talented young person. When the time came for her to move on--she asked for some guidance pursuing jobs in L.A. I may have put the key in the hole--but she opened the door and walked through it. Now Anita is in a place where she can hire me. And she has. But she always reminds me how "you are my mentor Lynn." So I guess I've had a purpose-- without really knowing it.

My purpose may not be to resolve world hunger, or even be a wife or a mom--(not yet anyway!)--but I think I can say my purpose 3/4 of the way through--is to help you to S-U-C-C-E-S-S! (you have to stomp your feet and clap in between for maximum cheer effect). I like helping. Now I just gotta put the pleated skirt on and help myself a little bit more.

We'll start by taking stock and making a grocery list next Sunday. So I don't end up with six rolls of Bounty.