The Great Fallout of Ott-twelve (Ott sounds better and more serious than Twenty)

I'd like to say a few words about hair. Because I've been obsessed with it lately and I think there's some deep-rooted reason why. See, I think I recently lost a gig because of my hair. No--not follicle discrimination like blond vs brunette--and not really a job-- more of an assignment. But before I  get to that--let me begin at the beginning, which also feels like the end.

For about a year I've been noticing the more-than-usual clumps of hair in the shower, on the floor, in my hairbrush. There's no question--my hair is falling out. And not because I have some rare, talk-show-attention-getting disease--no. I guess it's because I'm getting old. Google's top search results pretty much says women my age lose hair because of hormones. But what Google doesn't say--and Lynn wants to know is--when does this shit stop? I mean really. Enough already. There isn't enough, already.

Before the Fallout

Men like long, flowing, full hair. Not twelve strands pulled together to form a noodle-like ponytail. I'm losing so much--if you lift up what's left around my forehead--you'll see the holes. Aren't MEN supposed to deal with holes as they age? (don't answer that) Male pattern baldness? What kind of pattern is this? Except some wicked, F'ed up joke being played by someone upstairs on women my age everywhere. Especially SINGLE women my age. I mean, come on God--leave something up there? Someone's still gotta find me attractive? (And even though I'm into Yoga, I'd prefer they not be part of the Hare Krishna movement.)

It's stressing me out. And my hairdresser says stress makes you lose your hair too. Another vicious circle. Hormones. Stress. Fallout. Repeat. Make it stop please. I should cut it. Shorter hair looks fuller right? But then men don't like short hair--so not until I can snag another one with the thin mop. I'll just continue to look like an aging hippie aka: Gloria Steinem, thank you very much. I've been using hot rollers to curl the 12 noodle strands. Curls make them look fuller, right? But not only is it falling out--but my hair texture has changed too. The curls just fall into stringy-looking mink pelts. (Which WAS attractive back in Ott-twelve.) It's wiry. Frizzy. The beginnings of old lady Clampett's hair, soon to be in a bun.

And where, oh where, has the shine gone? One day I was looking like those Pantene commercials--but now? It's dull. Coarse. And don't even get me started on the color. Dying is rough on your hair and will make it fall out more. So you can HAVE more hair, but you have to have gray ones? More cruelty. How the hell do you deal with the gray? If it's falling out--I don't want to dye every 4 weeks. But if I don't--suddenly I'm Bea Arthur. (And I"m not even going to say anything about what other hair on my body is turning gray because that WILL and IS sending me over the edge when I think about being with a man again.)

The frequency women my age have to dye--is mean menopause trick #3. Because it costs a fortune. $100 every time. I've tried to buy a box of dye--and DIY it for $6.99. But I have long, dark hair. And a white bathroom. Inevitably I end up with what looks like a crime scene--dark smears on the white rugs, walls, towels--and last time I tried this--not sure how--it was on my toothbrush. So I'm back to the pros.

Now, about that gig I lost because of hair. A while back, I was at a meeting to discuss coverage of a movie festival that starts with Sun and ends with Dance. And was pretty excited about it--figuring I'd be the "correspondent" doing all the interviews--maybe get to meet Robert Redford? (definitely worth dying for.) But the meeting began by telling me, the "correspondent" would be a little late. Wait? I'm already here--right? Nope. It wasn't going to be me. And then it walked in. The correspondent, and her long, shiny, silky--THICK--hair. The kind that looks good even when you don't wash it, and wear it all piled up in a clip? The youthful hair got the gig. I immediately thought--Ah. I see. I'm old. I have thin hair that doesn't shine on camera in front of celebrities. She has no experience, but hot damn! What hair! You're done Lynn. Find a new job as an elementary school lunch lady and hide that crap under a shower cap for all eternity. (Or at least until the undertaker can work his wonders.)

My new glasses. (and hair?)

So what's a middle-aged single gal with lack-lustre hair to do? Buy exciting and interesting eye glasses so the attention moves downward. Right? Wrong. I normally buy the same eye glasses every time. Small frames. Black. Thin. So they don't look obvious. (That I'm blind.) But not this time. Note to self. Don't ever go pick out new frames when you're feeling bad about your age and your massive five-head. (forehead isn't big enough) Also another note to self? Don't pick out new frames when your eyes are still dilated. Result? I walked away with something large and BLUE. And wait for it...there's some kind of jewelry on the sides. So not only do I now look like Gloria Steinem with the hippie hair--but I'm starting to resemble Dame Edna as well. (Line right up boys!)

I never cared much about hair growing up. I was a bit of a tomboy--my mother forced me to get a "Twiggy" pixie cut from age 3-15. It was all the rage. (Okay maybe not for over a decade, but...) My hair never kept me from succeeding--I still made cheerleader--dated the homecoming king--got into UCLA--with normal looking--non-special hair. So now--what gives? Why make it all about the hair now? I looked around on the train home from work the other night. Young girls--long, full, hair. Washed or not washed. Styled or not styled. Didn't matter. Gorge. Women my age? All tried that day to style it, curl it, hat it. But thin. Wire. Holes. The opposite of Brooke Shields. (Who HAS to be getting near 50--is she wearing a wig?)

See? No hair. Okay!

I thought maybe writing about it would lessen the stress. But as I do, I run my hand through the few pieces I'm babying up front--and like the sounds of precious pine needles falling off Charlie Brown's little Xmas tree...I hear another few dates, I mean strands, falling to the floor. Anyone with good wig store suggestions for pale white girls, please leave a comment with address. *Sigh*