Say Yes to the Dress

It's Friday night and I'm down two episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress." You know that show? Where you watch young brides, old brides, ugly brides, fat brides try on wedding dresses? Nothing makes a non-bride feel better about being alone on a Friday night than this program. Why I'm watching episode number 2 is another topic of discussion for a later blog.

"Yes" is a hard word for me. Which is maybe why I haven't had the chance to say it to that white dress and anything else lately. I've been stuck in NO mode for a while now. It's soooooo easy to say NO to everything. And I'm not sure why? No to invitations to parties. No to men who want to date me. No to help with my groceries. When I was young, I'd say yes to anything and everything. But somewhere between frat parties and forty--I lost that yes-girl. Funny thing is, while it's so easy for me to SAY no, "no thanks. No, that's okay. No I'm fine," I apparently have trouble TAKING no for an answer. (are you following me? Yes or No?) I'll tell you why. Soon.

Some would call me stubborn. I"m a Taurus, right on the cusp of Gemini--so basically I"m stubborn and crazy. But thankfully I'm only stubborn for a short period of time. I call myself the human Chinese food. I get mad, but then it's gone in an hour. (Chinese food = hungry in an hour?) Okay maybe not the best analogy, but I enjoy saying it. I fight, then I'm over it. I'm mad, then I'm over it. It passes. (like bad Chinese food--is that a better analogy?) This is sort of the way I was raised--Italian. Fight, yell, throw, cry, hug, laugh, drink, done. I never hang on to anger. It's wasted energy.

But my last boyfriend did. Does. Why is it that men hang on to that "right fight" so tight? In my mind--conflict isn't a bad thing if you acknowledge it, resolve it, learn from it, and move on. Do you fight with your significant other? Kinda hard not to. No one can see eye-to-eye on everything. Anyway that's not the example I had--the "no conflict, happy all the time" couple. My folks argued. A lot. But this week they celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. So not seeing eye-to-eye kinda worked out for them. But did it work out for me?

Are we better off now, in relationships--because if it's uncomfortable and you have moments of conflict--you can bolt? No strings attached. Just keep starting over again because that "honeymoon" phase is fight-free and safe? I'm not positive, but after reading what amounts to a land-fill full of self-help books, I think Mr. PP and I broke up when the honeymoon glow started to fade. We entered into that third year push-pull power-struggle where you really test each other. Gloves are off. So are the pretty-relationship glasses. You see everything. And you're not afraid to say "no" to this not-so-new love.

I think that's why his announcement of "O-V-E-R" shocked me so much. Sure we were arguing--but I figured that was normal--the part where we really commit, where you really show unconditional love? Drama, tears and slammed doors aside--I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong? I'd seen this before--and no one ever left!? For 50 years! Clearly there was something wrong--as I've written. I guess that's when he said "No." No more. Not again.  Seems conflict wasn't something he wanted to sign up for again--post divorce. Not right then anyway. And that's fine--but I'm betting he'll hit that same stage in his next relationship when the shiny penny starts to tarnish a bit. Just hope he figures it out by then because those self-help books are expensive. And just collect dust when you're done. I'm too afraid to throw mine out--in case it happens to me again. See--I went out on a limb and said YES to him, this new city, new jobs, new experiences. It's no wonder I'm  having trouble with the word right now.

But that was YESterday...meanwhile back on the couch...a plump New Jersey bride said "yes" to a lovely strapless number!  I've never been one of those girly girls, dreaming about the gown and veil--but I certainly never ever thought I didn't deserve one? So why haven't I said yes to a dress? Or to a man who would lead me to one? I pick men who aren't emotionally available. Available to see that conflict can be an opportunity to understand. Available to accept we're all different. I'm learning these things too.  I need to find my way back to saying yes to everything. No matter how scared I am of hurting again. Remain open. Say yes even when you don't want to. That's what the books say. You don't know where the universe will lead you if you do. If I keep saying NO--I'll never KNOW.

For now, If you allow me, I'm going to say no just one more time--to watching a third episode of this lame show. And to writing more of this entry because clearly I'm rambling...