Went to the McDonald's job and was pleasantly surprised by one of my sweet staffers who brought flowers, gifts, wine and yummy baked goods--from two other staffers--in absentia. (One is on emergency medical leave and the other just changed jobs.) This felt nice. I've been feeling like a managerial failure at this place. Mostly because I don't feel the job is once again--the right fit for me. But my direct staff--whether they're here or not--are amazing. Very sweet. And maybe I did do something right. You don't give your boss wine if you hate them, right?
My fears of spending the day alone were fading. Especially since two good tee-vee pals took me to a nice lunch. And all the phone calls from friends--my phone didn't stop. Good friends. So many friends. Emails. Facebook greetings. I am blessed to have such wonderful family and friends who don't care where I work, what I say or how many times I complain about not having a boyfriend. (even when I do) They love me unconditionally. And speaking of NOT loving someone unconditionally--in the midst of all this outpouring of love--I still felt a little pang of sadness. (And no it wasn't the hernia acting up) PP hadn't called yet. I was convinced--no matter how angry he is, or maybe even dating someone else--he'll call. He knows how important birthdays are to me. Am I an optimist? or just stupid?
Back to work. Getting closer to 5. I didn't want to go home. Alone. Even though I left a few presents to open--and a bottle of champagne on ice--I knew it wouldn't be good. So--I did what I didn't want to do--I texted a friend--asked if she wanted to have dinner. (You thought I was gonna call someone else huh? Not that optimistic!) Thankfully she was open. I didn't tell her it was my birthday at first--because I didn't want her to feel obligated to pay for dinner. We're all hurting financially these days. But I came clean--mostly because I ordered champagne while I sat and waited for Andrea to arrive--I think she knew I was celebrating something. Now--my friend Andrea is a shrink. Please don't get all Freud on me by thinking there was anothe reason I invited her to my bday dinner. Free therapy over bruschetta? We don't go there. Just girl talk. Although--I did tell her about my angst over the ex not calling yet--still girl talk. But she shared that that was normal. You can be happy--about all the other stuff--and still be disappointed. See? I had the AMA seal of approval for my pang.
So all in all, it was a nice day. All my fears I built up the week prior--about celebrating alone--were for naught. Isn't fear just stupid wasted energy? That can cause stress or worse? (hernias) I came home. Opened the champagne and the rest of my presents. My BFF had flowers sent--they were on my doorstep waiting. Maybe I'm getting wiser in my 48th year--because as I drank my champagne and sat surrounded by cards and flowers and gifts--I said out loud--"I am loved!" Even when you don't have someone to wake up next to you who says "Happy Birthday" in the morning--the birthday hugs still come-- in so many forms! Sure, live arms are the best, but phone hugs, email hugs--you still feel the warmth.
And boy--I felt it. But then I had a second glass of champagne (okay counting the one before dinner--third) and pulled out "the box." It's under my bed. I don't ever pull it out. But because he didn't call and I was sad about that--I took it out. I just wanted to read his birthday cards from the years we spent together--and feel that kind of love before I went to bed. Alone.
Up next...what to do with "the box." It's time.
Don't throw the box away. I've done that, and regretted it. Just get out the duct tape, wrap it up so well you'll need a swiss army knife to get into it, and bury it somewhere. Then, years from now when you're happily ensconced with your REAL soul mate, you can take it out and look inside.
ReplyDeleteBut I bet you won't even want to--