Horoscopes Suck

Today I read my horoscope for the week--my birthday week--and just knew it was going to be about getting a new job and a new love! Sadly, it was about credit card debt. This after I decided today to treat  myself to a pedicure--even though I can't afford it and normally DIY my toenails. I don't know why I read my horoscope every Sunday. It's part of my newspaper ritual. Before I dig into the headlines--I check the Pink Section horoscope and the best seller list.

But I should know by now--horoscopes suck. They give you hope--right? You tape them to your bathroom mirror and they give you hope. Sort of like some anonymous free therapist helping you look through the crap towards a shiny new penny still to come--but it never does. But come on. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY this week. Really? I get credit card debt to dream on?

Yeah, birthday. I'm kinda sad about it too. First--let me say, I love birthdays. I usually stretch them out into 4-5 day events. I love getting cards--If someone gives me a gift or sends it to me in the mail, I wait. I don't open it until it's official! But this year, it's different. And no--it's not the age thing. Although 48 is waaaay too close to 50 and just sounds old. This year its looking like I'll be alone on my birthday. With nothing to do. Sad, right? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's ever spent a birthday alone--so that in itself helps a teeny bit. But not much.

Sure, I'll probably go to work. But I'm the manager with the birthday list--so I"m the one in charge of birthdays. Who's in charge of making sure I get the card signed by all 20 people who really could care less it's my birthday? I was thinking I may take the day off--go do something fun, like kayaking or wine tasting. Alone. I've even thought--well don't stay home, go to a nice dinner and drink champagne! Alone. Maybe I'll get some waiter who feels completely sorry for me and comps the champagne?

My mom is the best person I know. She's offered to drive 2 hours to meet me for lunch--just so I won't be alone. But I don't want her on these crazy roads during rush hour. She's 70. There are a couple people I can call. But why? The past two years I did that. If no one solicits a "hey let's do something for your birthday" invite--maybe you're supposed to be alone?

I like to make a big deal over birthdays. When Mr. PP turned 40 I got a private party room and invited 10 of his friends for drinks and a fancy cake. The next year I took him kayaking in Monterey--which was a gift I got for MY birthday from old friends. I got a hotel room and paid for a nice dinner. He always used to kid me about my birthday obsession. But now that I think of it--maybe he's right. I am a little obsessed with the celebration--so much, I never noticed--he really didn't do anything special for mine. The first year we went to a nice restaurant--but I had a free dinner because I interviewed the owner. The next year--we argued because he decided to go on a massive ski trek in the Sierras and was going to miss my birthday. He did suprise me and come home for it and took me to lunch--but he was angry about it. And never let me feel okay about being upset he chose skiing over his girlfriend's birthday. Big.

We broke up in May. A couple of weeks before my birthday. You can imagine what a wonderful birthday travel companion I was for my best friend who went to Tahoe with me that year. Not good. That and it was a milestone--45. So I literally thought my world was ending. Seriously. I got a bad sunburn and thought I was having a heart attack. Break-up sunburn. Everything hurts. So this year I'm going to Tahoe again with her a couple of weeks after my birthday. I plan to make up for that bad breakup bday--for her and for me. I'm so lucky to have a friend like that--who sees you at your worst--but still will love you on your birthday and beyond. I just gotta watch the gambling--according to Madame Minerva's insight about my credit card debt.

So. 48. Single. Fat. Job I hate. Hernia. And yes, I know the drill about being in gratitude--and I know that's what you're thinking. But please don't think I"m not. Grateful. I just told you about my best friend and my beautiful mom--these are things I'm extremely thankful for--oh--and my three sisters--they always make a big deal about my birthday. Oh and the fact that pretty much everyone's jaw drops when I tell them my age. But gratefulness aside. Birthdays are probably the only time it's OKAY to feel pity...for waking up alone on your birthday and not having someone to kiss after blowing out the candles. Maybe next year. That's what Horoscopes and candle wishes are for right? Hope.