Same time last year

So it's May 17th. Two days until my birthday. And I've written two emails, one E-vite, a Facebook "event" invitation and texted three friends requesting input. The dilemma? What to do for my birthday in exactly 48 hours? The aforementioned writing exercises have included witty invitations to get together in a number of scenarios: a bar, my house, a yoga/wine celebration in my backyard. None have been delivered. None probably will be.

I re-read my blog from May 19th last year. I woke up that morning facing for the first time--having nothing to do on my big day. Hmmm. Are you beginning to see a trend? So WTF is wrong with me now? Why am I having such trouble planning something? Do you want a repeat of the torture that was May 19th last year? (A lot of unanswered questions.)

Let's admit it-- no one really likes to throw themselves a birthday party. We all (read: Lynn) have romantic ideas that we'll have some fabulous man who will set into motion some amazing plans for an exciting evening that includes roasting weenies on a beach, right!!? So if that' ain't happening--and it ain't--why spend it alone when spending it NOT-alone is within your power?

I think part of my conflict can be blamed on that old catholic guilt build up, that's clogging my free spirit and apparently my inner-Martha. See, I feel if you invite people to come together, you better damn well be feeding them. Oh wait--that's not Catholic guilt, that's Italian guilt--which, in my world is basically the same only one allows sex before marriage. Whatever the cause-- feeding party guests at a restaurant or even at home could cost a lot.

And that's because of conflict #2--who do I invite? If I'm feeding them--I can afford maybe a handful of pals? But If I invite this person, I have to invite that person to keep them company. And I need to invite these two, but then they won't know anyone, so I'll let them bring their spouses. (Suddenly we're up to 53) And what about the Ex? Should I invite him? If we're trying to be "friends" shouldn't I show him I'm more mature than he is-- by extending an olive branch? (54)

Really--It's all too much. And so -- here I sit. As pretty much everyone on my list is most likely in the midst of making some kind of plans for Thursday night that don't include the bananas bday girl.
Now, the the third factor truly holding me back from sending one of the 20 draft invitations --is a biggie--and that is--I'm not really feeling it this year. You should know by now--I LOVE BIRTHDAYS. I really do. I like for my birthdays to last for days--I really get into displaying my presents and cards and tell everyone I meet including the Safeway checker, "this week is my birthday"--it's a big deal. To me anyway. But this year...not so much. Happy funkday to me.

Let me try to explain. (Sigh) I'm turning what I consider the last year, of the last decade, I can probably get away with being considered youthful. Youngish? Okay, on the northern side of old. I will still have a  year before turning a really, really scary number--so you're probably saying--why worry now?!! Well I am. That and the fact that nothing--nada--not one little thing--has changed in a year since we last had this birthday conversation. I'm still single. I'm still looking for a groovier gig. And I'm a year older-- to make that ALL feel even better. It's my own private Groundhog B-Day nightmare.

To appease Oprah--I know I should be thankful that I have friends suggesting--no--prodding-- me to plan something. Really--I'm lucky I have friends at all. I've been in such a foul mood lately--post ankle bust--post $3K car fix--post "we're sorry but we've decided to go another direction x 5". Somehow, I need to pull myself out of it--if only for May 19th. I know we're not guaranteed another birthday. And I know I should celebrate my grooviness with people--not my TiVo.

If you're buying all these excuses--then I've done my job as a creative writer. Or I've done my job convincing myself it's really about logistics or not being into it this year. But I think we both know--I'm just not comfortable with attention. Strange too, because I picked a very attention-getting career and have always been involved in some sort of lime-like-light. But the thought of inviting people to come celebrate--just me--without any reward (read: food) is really hard for me. And I don't know when that started. I always loved my birthdays when I was younger. The more cackling girls I could pack into my room the better. More presents! More attention! Queen for the day. Somewhere along the path of being told "you're not good enough," I started to lose my love for being adored--even if only once a year on the day you're supposed to be.

But there's an upside--that Dr. Phil crap turned me into more of a more of a giver than a taker--someone who'd rather throw you a birthday party with all the trimmings! BUT after the third year in a row of having to get creative when May rolls around (it's been that long since I had my own party planner)--is it too much to want to have someone else pull the trigger (wrong analogy for this post) and throw you a little get-together? Someone else do the planning? I've been planning all my life--I'm a producer--I'm exhausted! Can someone just please get me a damn birthday cake?  Or do I have to "produce" that too? If only I could write that script. I know it would be fabulous. I would lap up any and all attention thrown my way. And yes, weenies would be involved.

So...here I sit. Still faced with the multiple invites with five different guest lists. I'm tired and going to bed--so none of them will be sent tonight. Maybe I'll just push it one more day--don't give people a chance to think about it. Just a random drive-by-birthday party--they'll get the text as they're leaving work.What did you do for your birthday this year? Someone did all the planning, right? Right.