Where I'm working now had nachos everywhere! I mean EVERYWHERE! Every department in the building had a Nacho lunch buffet going on. Now, I'm the manager of said nacho-eating department, but I had to decline. I know it's not a good manager move, but I simply decided to go to yoga and eat yogurt instead. Maybe not as fun. But then neither is this job. I call it my "McDonald's job. Because it pays about that much. And hopefully is just a recession-buster gig.
So I told you I work in TV. Most of the time. Until that bad run in with the local version of the house that Bert and Ernie built. After one year, of doing what they said they hired me to do, make changes--I got "laid off." Although, like the break up...I have my suspicions of ulterior motives. One of my staffers got fired before my lay off and ended up saying some pretty icky stuff about me and my job.
In all honesty--losing the job wouldn't have been so bad--if this person didn't go to the newspapers with the story. And even that would have gone away, if it weren't for our friend Google. And that began the worst year of my life. No guy, no job, and a local paper with a quote saying mean spirited, nasty, untrue things about my efforts to make change. Now come on. I volunteered to save dying children in Russia and read to dying nuns in a convent! I"m not the one to pick on! Or am I? (Note to self: Next time volunteer for a non-dying non-profit.)
I'll say it again. Change is hard. For everyone. But it is the only thing that continually happens in life. So get on board or that train will run right over you. I'm great at giving out advice but not taking my own...Secret: I only took that job because I wasn't ready to leave yet. I thought for sure "we'll get back together?!!" Wrong. So the fact that the job I took to stay next to ex-man, ended up potentially making me an ex-TV producer.
I had to face that mess over and over again when I went on job interviews--and they Googled me. Some could tell--"that person clearly had an axe to grind." Others had issue with it. If it's in print--it must be true right? A good lawyer and a few thousand dollars later--that issue has been resolved. And my good name is in tact. But my heart was hurt. NO one has ever said bad things about me. (to my face or in print!)
Communication is a tricky thing. Words can be such a marvelous tool for expressing love, laughter, life. But used incorrectly-- they can hurt. And we've all done it. I was raised by a man who often chose the wrong words. My dad never learned to communicate his feelings. It's not his fault. He only did what was done to him. He loves me with all his heart--and gave me everything--but he never figured out the "check it before you wreck it" thing. I struggle with that too. But only when I'm feeling vulnerable or like I'm losing control. It's never mean in purpose. (see above: dying non-profits)
Part of why my relationship ended had to do with words. I would question something, or make a comment--and he would interpret it as: "You think I'm a bad dad," or "She hates my life." Now, I'm smart enough to know part of the "you make me feel bad" argument has to do with his own self confidence--maybe a stronger person would have just said "what's wrong? I know you don't think that, why'd you say it?" But still...I'm trying harder. Not to be a critic or give advice. I"m learning when to say what I'm really feeling--like "your going to boy scouts again, instead of our dinner makes me feel alone."
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